For Integra
by Reno Keehl
Summary: First person from Alucard's point of view. Integra is dying and Alucard suffers internal conflict with himself on whether or not he should give her eternal life.


For Integra

I watched as she bled to death before my eyes. The only woman I've grown to love was lingering on the brick of death. Integra... The name which would have sounded so sweet at any other point in time gnarled at my tormented soul. Her hand reached up to me, and she mouthed my name.

I could only passively grasp her hand, my features never once visibly altering, but she knew. Better than myself, she knew how I felt right here in this spot. The heart that died some decades or centuries ago ached with indecision. I hold the power to save her in my hands, and yet I hesitate to use it.

If Hell was where she was headed, then by all means. She is far better off there than straying in the eternity I could create for her. I knew Hell better than anyone. Each day of my life is a waking purgatory. I am cursed with life, and I cannot die. Yet, I die every night and every morning, each time I lose a bit more of myself.

And when I stayed dead, she found me and brought me to life. Serving her has been my purpose, my destiny... Now, my reason to be is waning before me. Waning like the cresent moon over head mocking us, laughing at my hopelessness, prodding fun at our complicated situation.

"Alucard..." She caleld my name again, and I almost cried out in maddening distress.

I could sense her life leaving her, and I want so much to keep her here with me. I want to keep living for her, but I could not make her keep living for me. To save her now meant to torture her for all the rest of eternity, to make her suffer as I suffer. It meant that she would grow to despise me one day. If so, I'd rather see her off now, for I simply cannot put her through...this...the same thing everyday. And if I could, I'd take her place there and bleed to death. I've been seeking death so long, I've lost track of time.

As she used all her strength to push herself up to meet my face, she watch her reflection warily in the lens of my sunglasses then removed then. I could have sworn I flinched when my bare eyes met her's. I saw myself in her dull blue eyes, and I felt as if my life was leaving me as well.

"Were you delibrately trying to hide them?" She asked softly, voice hardly audible.

And I knew very well that she refered to my fading amber eyes. I had not realize until now that I had kept them on this time just to avoid her tentive gaze on me.

My grip on her hand tightened, and I gazed down at her speechlessly for a moment then smirked. Shaking my head, I replied, "What's to hide?"

Wordless, Integra leaned up and her lips touched mine. They were so cold however, that I could have easily mistaken kissing her for kissing one already lifeless.. One such as myself, perhaps? Sickly, the notion of kissing her awaken a hunger within me, and I desperately felt the need for her blood. The longer her kiss mingled on my lips and mouth, the more I was tempted to keep her alive.

Her kiss reminded me more so of how much I really did need her, of how much I appreciated her simple presence under all circumstances. Wether it be in combat, or over a glass of wine... Intergra was beautiful to me both when she was shouting orders by the side lings and when she was dressed up and let loose. I wanted to keep the flame of her life ablaze... Even if just for my own needs and wants. I could not bare the idea of a life without her, though such a thing did exist... There was a time when I lived alone... A long long time ago.

A dreadful time it was, when I killed anything that could have been diner, and sometimes just one a wim, or a frenzy. I used to try hard to forget everything, but not I cannot recall most of my past even when immense effort is put forth. Wether to thank or to blame, the reason is clearly my lady, Integra Fairbrooks Wingates.

She pulle dback slowly, and we silently studied each other's visage. Then she said she was proud of me, and I am uncertain why for. I asked her if she was scared, and she just quietly shook her head.

"This had to happen sooner or later. I cannot live forever." Was her late response.

"But you don't have to die..." I suggested absent-mindedly.

Integra laughed at me and said she never knew I was such a child. I never knew either. Her laighj seized, and her hand slipped from my grip. Her dull blue eyes fluttered twice before tranquilly closing forever.

I did not bother holding onto her corpse or crying. Demons...we don't cry... Putting on my sunglasses, I picked her up in my arms bridal style and started out of the building. Outside the cresent moon stood still in the red starless sky, and the winds snickered at our exit. Seras Victoria, the little police girl stood there, gun in arm and alarmed. She ran up to me.

"Sir... Why...Why is she... I mean... Why didn't you?"

While it may have seem rude to her, I kept walking, having heard her question. Nine steps away, I stopped. "...Because I love her." I replied.

And as I continued my leave, I heard Seras cry out in agony. "I was a coward! I asked for my curse and he granted my wish!" At that, her gun went off, but I knew far well that she was fine. I had ensured it sometime ago... And I did not want to repeat that mistake again.


End file.
